“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot