dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Not today