The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.