[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Canadian owl: Eh?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.