When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You Might Also Like
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light