Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99