I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
dutch so unserious
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*