My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
BaD BoY!!
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?