toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid