[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?