Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I feel it
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you