I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
You Might Also Like
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then