“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The three genders.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.