Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??