I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
In Canada they just call them geese
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.