It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
That’s classic.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Danger is very dangerous
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.