i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.