If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You Might Also Like
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.