[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey