If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Brilliant!