My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[shakes fist at other fist]
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service