‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough