jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Thoughts
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.