Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder