I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
As the Lord intended
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.