2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet