[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.