[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**