STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I only treason on days ending in y
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight