After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Denise please return my vape pen
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I support this random dude and all his protests
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.