YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
best review i’ve ever seen
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.