10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.