6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
You Might Also Like
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees