If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
#SaturdayBears
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…