There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Said the murderer.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Mornin. * use accordingly
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts