I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd