[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
handsome & gretel
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait