All set.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
love it when they get my name right
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”