I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?