Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.