Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
What the dentist sees
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died