*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: