*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I am crying
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort