doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.