My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
*watches the world burn*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!