Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I am all good here, 😂😉
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Baller is short for ballerina
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.