[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Worth a try
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food