me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
#MeanwhileInCanada
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
We’re all getting idioter.