Your honor these allegations are
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies