I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Boating season is upon us.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.